Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
life finds a way
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
