Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
listen closely
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
