Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
