Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”