Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Yes

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Cat is stressing him out.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.