me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
You Might Also Like
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
and now we wait
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.