@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

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@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@hammbone84

Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.

@MelvinofYork

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@RadOrDie

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

@MissNaughty1801

My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you

@FatherWithTwins

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*