Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Lmao 😁

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

based

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.