Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My whole life was a lie.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow