Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
cats when you pet them too long:
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?