Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.