Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

My husband’s just had a meeting about meetings.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*