ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.