Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

🥲

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

The answer is funnier than the question

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Oh no

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.