Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.