Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
it was love at first sight
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Hang in there buddy
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Lucky old June.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
are they though??
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!