Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard