Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”