Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot