Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts