ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Lmbo
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed