ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.