Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL