Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

…żyje?

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

early stone age tool

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”