me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.