Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.