ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
