ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You Might Also Like
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
A French press is when you hug naked
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.