ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Well, this explains it:
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*