Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

two people or more is called a problem

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?