Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Big Sex has us all fooled
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?