ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*