Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Me when I hear gossip

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.