Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life finds a way

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.