me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
#merica
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.