me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Well, that should do it
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.