me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
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[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
no one likes gloating
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this