Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

If you’re not personally the cause of at least 3 rules in the group DM, are you even participating.