Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Already got one

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce