Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”