me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.