Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I used the label maker

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.