Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.