Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Hank is one in a melon.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster