me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
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A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.