Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Sunday

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.