Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.