Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Fights fire with marshmallows

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

And they lived apathetically ever after.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

🙂🙃🥹

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.