Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.