Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”