Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.![]()
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Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*