@JustDontBugMe

Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!?
*5mins later*
Me: I need a new room.

You Might Also Like

@novicefather

My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss…

We don’t know each other’s name.

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

@That_Damn_Duck

I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@Mindless4Miles

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

@Jandalize

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

@Phook75

I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking

@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian