*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Meeeee too!
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk