Me: My room is in shambles. Where do I start cleaning!?
*5mins later*
Me: I need a new room.

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My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss…

We don’t know each other’s name.


Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!


*our eyes lock and we kiss*


I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.


*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”


“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*


I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.


I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking


FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian