Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.