Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein