Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
It’s on my to-do list.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?