Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

When they try to steal your moment.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

THIS HEADLINE

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

You know…for fall…

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!