@KyleMcDowell86

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

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@uhhhhhoksure

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@mrtruthandsoul

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@Mirimade

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@wendchymes

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…