Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Saint West, the patron of selfies
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches