The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
the dark web is just a goth google.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.