me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin