me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
#parenting
me: my friends:
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see