Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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