Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏