Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
What about a To-Don’t List?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.