Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

adam and eve had first world problems

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.