ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.