Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze