Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”