Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
You Might Also Like
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.