I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”
10 : “Dopamine”
Me: My stomach hurts.
WebMD: You’re a kid, trying to get out of something.
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first