@Vodkantots

Me: My stomach hurts.
WebMD: You’re a kid, trying to get out of something.

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@seraphicpetal

I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”

10 : “Dopamine”

@pennymacker

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@JermHimselfish

The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

@CrackYouWhip

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

@shadygeekdad

I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”

@pantless_papple

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first