Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)