Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom