Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

i meant to share this earlier

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

see next tweet for some translations

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

is this store having a stroke wtf

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.